Soundboard

I recently got interviewed for a watercolor class. I read the offer as a free course but applicants will have to go through an interview to see if they are a fit candidate for what they offer.

The interviewer was around 30-minute late, but I pushed through. I was in the middle of something during those minutes anyway. Resolutely, I answered all her questions with all honesty.

My previous interview was more than ten years ago, so the feeling was almost foreign. I sweat buckets and my heart was beating out of my chest. But it felt real, my answers and determination to learn watercolor painting so I can create art, again.

Actually, it did not matter if it was a class for a different medium. I initially thought the course would be offering a wider outline encompassing different media. However, they don’t. They are focused on teaching watercolor painting – of portraits and landscape, to say the least.

Good thing my funds are already allotted to something else and I had no extra to spare. With hindsight, I’m glad I took the time to reconsider their offer – which is not a small amount for the lifetime access to the course and regular mentoring. It makes me sad to pass on those opportunities but I am so glad I went to the interview, since I was able to soundboard thoughts I have in the backburner.

In musical terms, soundboards are thin pieces of wood or appropriate material that reinforce the tone of a sound. If you use someone as a sounding board, you discuss your ideas with them in order to get another opinion. Having a soundboard helps you monitor the sound you produce.

In the middle of my interview, I already knew the course would benefit me but just a little. So from there on, I became intentional of finding out what I had been looking for in my creative journey. I was watching and listening to myself as I respond to every question the interviewer had.

Prior to this moment, I was just feeling numb, aimlessly wandering the art and creative land and without a thought, absorbing inputs, consuming without ever producing. I had no creative outputs whatsoever, at least in my standard. I dodged every pressure to create, and forgotten my resolution to be consistent in creating.

I’m glad I hit a wall. I am glad I bumped into a free orientation for a watercolor painting course. Sometimes, resistance helps. With our conversation, I was reminded of what initially got me into painting. The interviewer helped me realize what else do I still want to achieve and what could help me to get there. I think I already got the value for what I did not pay for.

Bottomline: Find yourself a soundboard, or better yet, make one.

Surrender / Yield – Hope is Here

My hand surrendered to all that You Are
Who is sovereign over all the powers
in heaven and on earth
My hand emptied of all my plans and dreams
To make room for what only You can do

My hand yielded to the One
Raised to be the kingdom people
that brings transformation,
that brings a revolution
here on the earth

I hear the marching of the army around the wall
Day after day, night after night
Praying and fasting for the crumbling of this stronghold
This should not be long, our breakthrough is now

I hear the cries of the people
the petition of the saints
I am joining the chorus
Pulling heaven down hereHere I am, use me to bring kindness around
Your goodness, may it flow through
For I am your hands and feet

And I hear you say,
I am here, I am near
Hope is here, help is near

My hands outstretched
Is anything too hard for me?
Wasn’t I your breakthrough?

I hear you say,
I am here, I am near
Hope is here, help is near

WHAT I’M SAYING IS

I want to thank you for giving me time to think. And now, here’s my answer.

You surprised me with the question you dropped during the last time you actually talked to me. I was flattered to hear I made an impact in your life which even made you ask me to journey with you in the future. Those past years have been indeed a long period to build what we have and also go through that seemingly roller coaster ride.

To be honest, I didn’t imagine it was going to be like this. Because when we talked on our earlier ‘date’, I actually thought that’ll be the last time we were going out as friends. That we agreed to go our separate paths while acknowledging we have the other as a friend. But you understood it differently, and was perhaps even factored in to your plan of pursuing me.

That was why I couldn’t accept your proposition pronto.

Months have passed and I don’t want to think about this hanging decision anymore. So now, here’s my answer.

The story of a ladder

An Invisible Ladder | How to offend your neighbor

Reading through the pages of a book by Don Miller, I could not stop thinking and really think through the ideas he is throwing at me. He did cost me a great time pondering why people wear clothes in connection to the Fall at the Garden of Eden. At one point he was explaining himself through an analogy to a circus show. At the other he was telling thatreality is like a fine wine. While I consider these ideas as somewhat randomly chosen and presented, one of these is I think worth retelling.

It hit me the reality, which I guess, that people are in serious pursuit of climbing an invisible ladder. People would do anything, and even everything, to just be on the top of that invisible ladder gaining what seemed to be the greatest possesion one could have – worth. They would constantly place themselves somewhere in that somewhat invisible hierarchy. It’s as if we were oriented in childhood that we have to thrive to be in this invisble flow.

We may not have noticed it but this process of thinking, climbing an invisible ladder, has been present through the years. Take, for instance, the current shows running in different tv stations. The Biggest Loser, where people battle to be fit. Without being partial to the fit or the fat, where in any document does it say that the former is more acceptable than the latter. Commercial ads, where one whitening soap would suggest it is better to have white skin than a fair dark one. Even a show of lists, of who’s making more money, who’s got the most cars, who’s the most viewed, and the list could go on. Contrasting and comparison can’t even get their rest.

And people, with that mindset, would go and try anything and almost everything to be accepted, valued and even loved. While the others, you will see them at a corner of a room feeling like a failure and offended.

– – –

Being offended is fatal

There is no other story, or maybe there is one, that can illustrate this than the story in Genesis. In chapter 4, Eve gave birth to Cain and Abel. And the young boys offered what they had to the Lord, Cain brought some fruits and Abel brought fat portions from the first born among his flock. In the next verses, Cain killed his brother Abel. Cain may have thought what he did wasn’t accepted and so he attacked his brother. God even consoled him, before that murder, saying, “Why are you angry? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? (Genesis 4:6-7)”

It makes me wonder, then, if after every little thing that we do we relate to Cain? Do we feel unaccepted, unvalued, or unloved?

– – –

We can be trapped in this flow of life forever unless we accept the Help that’s reaching out to us, shrug off this thinking, and renew our minds. One’s worth is more of knowing than gaining. Give comparison and contrast a day off and live an unoffended life.

Yes, one may say that we can get love, value and acceptance from another human being. But if lateral affirmation is sufficient, then why do keep on longing for more?

thoughts lifted from Searching for God knows what by Don Miller

Cyclic thing

I have received much. That there’s no other response than to give. Because it is like breathing. We breathe in… we breathe out. Inhale… then exhale. Every breath there’s an exchange of air in then out.

We don’t breathe two inhales just to let out an exhale. I don’t have to hoard air thinking I should have enough to last a week. -No. We inhale… then exhale.

And as I exhale, I let out praise. I let out thanksgiving, whisper gratitude. I utter declaration. As I exhale, I say “Oh God, you are good.”

It’s a cycle.

We inhale then exhale. Then we inhale and exhale. And again. We receive then we give then we will receive and give. And again.

Like wax melting

“I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint. My heart has turned to wax; it has melted away within me.” Psalm 22:14

Exactly how I am feeling right now, this line that was written by David. It is like reaching a point of nothing. A dead beat. Like nothing seems to matter anymore. My heart has melted away within me like a wax. It is like feeling everything again as it melts; all hurts and hopelessness towards life and the people around me. And it is actually making me sick. This is one of those seasons where I would rather be surrounded by people who knows me. Ah! And my bones are out of joint, giving me no strength from within. Drained and confused. What has become of me?

But alas, I know that the Lord is near. He cannot be far from those who are crushed, broken hearted, defeated by their own ramifications. He is here, he is near. Indeed, my life is still in the process and I shall come out of this victorious. At times like this would be the best time to stand in awe of how God intervenes – of how you will pick me up from my own ashes. Oh God, not that I summon an ever-great power or something instead, I will call on you, my real father in heaven. Come like a refreshing wind and wash me anew. Come like a rushing river and quench these thirsty roots that long for you. Tonight, I cry out for you until you come. Until you break through for me for I rely in your strength. Until you hold captive of this heart which I wholly surrender to you. Today, and as long as it is called such, there will be nothing I’d seek more but you. Because, all that there is – is you.

Written exactly a year ago.

Sacrificing Isaac

Consider Abraham’s story.

How can he, immediately the next day after hearing the command to sacrifice his only son Isaac, just stood up and saddled his donkey? Even bringing two servants and, of course, his offering – Isaac.

I couldn’t wrap my brain around that thought. On how quick he responded and took action to what he later learned to be just a test. Gah! Oh how pleased God was – to see radical obedience in action. That Abraham would not withhold his only son to his only god.

Abraham took it as a journey and perhaps it really is one. Deciding to actually cut open and burn his son, going on a hike to the altar for a day with two of his servants, then another three days to come close to the altar alone with your most treasured sacrifice. Talk about bittersweet! Clearly, it is not in the number of days it takes to get to the altar but in the bits and glimpses Of His nature being unveiled as the journey progresses.

That perhaps as we draw nearer to the altar, we get to see Him more clearly. Bitter then sweet, indeed.

Closing the story, Abraham might have been so astounded to hear and know that Isaac is going to live still. (If I were in his shoes, my reaction would have been ineffable.) Perhaps he exclaimed, “This is too good to be true! To have my son back!” But then, if it’s too good to be true maybe it’s from up above.

Junk food and movies

I used to love junk food.

They tasted so nice I just could not stop eating them. I would buy and eat them in the morning, in the evening, and every time I have spare coins in my pocket. They tasted so nice I could replace my meals with them. When I needed a dose of sugar, I’d buy some. And when I craved for something salty, a pack is what I’d get. Even though something did not seem right, I still continued eating them food. Junk food.

And then I learned to watch movies.

They give me something to feel, whatever the movie wants to cross to the viewers. I particularly like superhero and sci-fi-themed ones. I even wanted to believe that I was a mutant myself which I am in reality not. Anyway, these movies reverberate within me, as if pulling the hidden superhero inside me. It kind of gives me the thrill I’ve been wanting to feel in this life, only for two-plus hours on big screen though.

When I would have a craving, I would satisfy it with junk food, or a movie. But later I realized that that kind of lifestyle won’t go for long. I had cravings which I appeased with temporary fullness. I had to stop getting these inputs. JUNK and UNREAL inputs.

Entry three

My journey to a minimal lifestyle continues. And this is the time and season to focus on what really matters – my clutter. Any distraction or obstruction is not welcome. Just yet.

By posting my old books in Facebook, I asked my friends to choose the book that they like for free. And in just a couple of minutes I was able to get rid of thirteen books-which consumed a length-full of area in my book shelf.

My clothes, on the other hand, are still in the process. Though I have shed a lot of clothing (most were given to the different pedicab drivers I’d ride on and to a street vendor who comes out only at night time), yet I still feel the need to go through the remaining items one last time. For more tips on fixing your closet, read this article by Marie Kondo.

This exercise of decluttering gives me a freeing feeling. The more I let go of the material things I’ve accumulated, the more space I also free up in my mind. Relaxing.

Refreshing.

Kind of meditative.

Entry Two

It is day ten of my minimalistic approach to living, but what have I done so far is nothing. Nada. Null. None.

Giving up the pair of shoes I mentioned on day one felt like a major accomplishment already. And those shirts that I gave to someone, it felt like a big step already.  Perhaps this sense of victory is what’s pulling me back, what’s keeping me from moving forward. Defeats, losses and disappointments bring our souls down. But now I know, that which I have known before, that victories, triumphs and fulfilment also do what their opposite does.

We have to continuously move on from the downs, and ups of our lives. These landmarks only result in temporary feelings of dissatisfaction or satisfaction. Pondering on those things, good and bad, takes and wastes time. We don’t want to be wasting time because it’ll translate to delays and delays are costly.

Overthinking the results which took on the past could lead to more overthinking. Now, that’s a lot of thinking already! You might even get stuck in the rut of thoughts like “It could have been this, if I just did that” or “what did I do wrong” or “where will this take me now”. It is so easy to munch on these ideas because you actually won’t be doing the things that you’re thinking.

Now if you take a step back and look at those kind of thoughts, you’ll realize that it is never going to lead anywhere. Why instead of looking at the past, strain to what lies ahead. Think of how you can live today excellently and simply awesome.

So, on to the next entry.